Journal

Hey journal. I'm gonna be a little wistful today. I'm a little wistful every day, but now you get to hear about it. And I'm gonna be a lottle complain-y.

I miss the old days of Facebook, when it was fun. It goes without saying that I mean before Web 2.0 became the monster that it is, but I'm also particularly talking about my personal memories of it. The goofing around and wall-posting between my friends and I, my friends all being together. And if they didn't know each other, it wasn't as awkward as it would be nowadays if, for example, you invite friends to a Discord server who both know you, but not each other. Like, in hindsight, Facebook wasn't really that great. I didn't really like using it as much as (old) Tumblr, or even AIM. But looking back on it has helped me realize that I really miss feeling more connected with my friends. And as much as I love to blame the big gross modern internet, it's also kind of a symptom of growing up. People spread out. You often get lonelier. And that is a really hard pill to swallow.

I will talk a little about Web 2.0 though because this is my journal and I can. The feeling that sticks out to me when I try to parse my thoughts about it is "lonely." All the typical social media sites focused on "connecting" people feel incredibly lonely now, no matter how many people are actually using it. Facebook I haven't used in probably close to a decade now, so I don't know the state of that, nor do I want to know. Instagram, with or without being owned by Facebook, has never really felt...connective, but especially now, I feel like it's just a random slew of meaningless posts clogged up by advertisements and accounts you don't even follow. Instagram always felt the most fake to me. Twitter- again, even before being bought by a megalomaniac, has been enshittified for a while. It's basically just turned into everyone screaming into the void but no one actually listening to anyone. And Tumblr just hurts. Nihilism and anger, everyone waiting for the next shitshow.

I think I would care less about all of this if I didn't also lose the friends aspect of it. All my friends stopped using Tumblr, none of us use Facebook, and I refuse to use Twitter anymore. And, like, why does all that matter? I still talk to my friends directly almost every day. We have group chats where we can talk about important stuff and be silly and all that. It's not like my friends disappeared. So it's really strange to me that I'm so sadly nostalgic for a time where we could post statuses instead of spamming chats or micro-blogging. Writing about this out loud kind of makes me realize how silly all of this is. >>;; I'm a creature of longing for the past and I'm never completely happy with the way things are. And...that sounds like a problem for therapy!

P.S.- I had one last thought relating to this, and it's about the fact that I can never stay active or attentive in any community I join, and why I have such a hard time making new friends. It doesn't matter how healthy or welcoming or fun the community is. Just, eventually, I withdraw back into isolation, unsure if or when I'll return to being active. And the longer I'm isolated, the harder it is for me to come back. I feel like people will resent me, or not remember me. But I don't really think people think like that, so I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. I want so badly to reach out and be connected, but it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do. And that makes me really sad.

I'm way too lazy and sleepy today to be out in public.

I'm really not sure what dictates whether or not I get a good night's sleep anymore, because even if I get the correct volume of sleep, it's not restful, and otherwise I'm waking up every 3 hours throughout the night because...my brain just decides to. That being said, my sleep hygiene could definitely be better, and there's only so much nighttime disturbance that I can blame on my cat. It's not my fault I'm an extremely light sleeper. ><;

I don't really have a lot to say today yet, but I felt the need to come to my little blog and ramble a little bit, just to stay in the habit. It also just feels cozy - when I have downtime at work, I really feel the urge to just go home and be in my space, and like I'm wasting my time being here instead. Obviously I know that's not entirely reasonable because I have to earn money, but...I won't get into that whole discussion right now. Point is, home is super important to me, as is my own space. My lair.

I'm not actually sure why, but blogging like this and working on my site in general triggers a nice nostalgic state of mind in me. It's nostlagia but more tangible, like I can actually make something out of that feeling. Of course that's an option for me when it comes to drawing, but I dunno - this feels a bit bigger, like I'm creating my own space in whatever way I want. I'm not really making sense, but let me try to elaborate a bit; I grew up spending a lot of time in this attic bedroom. At one point, it was my older sister's, but I sort of took it over when she went away to college - and eventually, I fully moved into the room when she first moved out. And I dunno what it is about living in an attic, but it has such a different atmosphere about it than anything else, and I'm constantly just getting flashes of memories of being up there. The old wood, the proximity to the sky, the slightly different architecture from the rest of the house. The vaulted ceilings that I routinely bumped my head on, and the little balcony off of the little window in the inner bedroom. And, most importantly, the tiny little sound of my now-elderly tortico cat Fiona padding into my bedroom when she wandered up to hang out or play. A funny aspect of living in the attic was also the occasional bird or squirrel squeezing their way in, confused, stealing the pink insulation out of the walls for their nests...that was always a whole ordeal. I thought it was funny, even though I knew it was ultimately not a good thing, but my folks would always drop everything to make sure the holes through which the critters entered were sealed up. But they'd always find other ways in, and sometimes I would wake up to flapping or skittering in the outer attic. A unique experience!

I think I liked it so much because I was still very much home, sharing a house with my family, but I had basically a whole floor to myself to retreat to, and it really felt like my own world. Obviously it wasn't without any issues - basically no climate control so the winters were freezing and the summers were boiling, the dust, the aforementioned critters. But you kinda go into living in an attic knowing that. And plus, the house is over 100 years old anyway, so we already had a taste for all of those things. Especially the cold...plaster walls do NOT keep you warm in the winter.

I think I'm a little weird, or I just pathologically isolate myself from people in my head - assuming I'm the odd one out no matter the situation. This is sort of a vent, but I'm also just thinking aloud. Disclaimer: I've been told in the past that I can be a little too reflective, getting in my own head and ruminating too much on things, and...yeah. Fair.

This feeling comes up a lot when I'm meeting people around my age. I'm gonna be 30 next year, and frankly I'm looking forward to my 30s, because (at least in my experience), people seem to be a lot more forgiving of each other being spread thin. Like...we're all tired, and we all know we don't have our shit together. I feel like, in your 30s and with the right people in your life, you all kind of just stick together and support each other, instead of constantly having something to prove when you're trying to figure shit out in your 20s. You realize that a lot of material stuff and vanilla ideas of "success" just don't matter. But again, that's just in my own experience, and I'm lucky to have a pretty good environment that I'm in...what the fuck was I even talking about, this wasn't the original topic.

I feel like I missed a lot of checkboxes that a lot of people in my age group have filled out. The most prominent one is astrology - I thankfully don't see it as much anymore, but I really always resented the way I was put into a box based on my zodiac sign, so I would just get really worked up and defiant anytime someone tried to characterize me by it. Even now, when someone asks my sign, I make them guess based on what they know about me, as some kind of petulant attempt at defying expectations and stereotypes. But I do want to stress that I'm pretty much only referring to people who are extremely pushy about it. I know that astrology has a lot of meaning to many people, and they take it seriously rather than those who just profile people and blame their own shitty behavior on the position of the planets (can you tell I'm speaking from experience). I respect people who partake respectfully, and I know there's a lot I don't understand and I shouldn't be so judgemental. I have an obvious complex about being profiled, so I naturally just get really cranky when my incessant need to subvert is challenged. I don't mean to be disrespectful to those who it means a lot to, and I'm sorry if I've come off that way - I fully acknowledge my bitterness. (シ. .)シ

Uhh, so yeah, I guess my point was that I missed that boat. And because I don't personally subscribe to astrology, I end up hiding from a lot of people because I'm afraid I'm just too different from them to be accepted. The same issue comes up for me when it comes to tabletop games...I don't dislike them, and they can really be a lot of fun, but I feel like that's a box that I never got checked either. It seems like almost every gathering I go to is dominated by tabletop/board games, TTRPGs, and just a lot of stuff that's hard to follow. I probably just haven't had the right group setting yet, idk. Maybe I'm boring because I wanna play video games with people instead? It's absolutely a me problem. It's the same reason I feel out of place when D&D is brought up. I like playing D&D, but I do not like to roleplay...which I realize is the whole point of D&D! But it's a really hard issue for me to explain, because I don't even fully understand it. I like the gameplay, puzzle solving, exploration aspect of D&D. I like seeing what I can do and how far I can push the limits of the game and the setting; I also have a really good DM for a friend, so that helps. But I panic a little bit whenever I have to make a new character. I don't want to pretend to be them, but I also want to dictate how that specific character will react to situations...my problem is that I'm really bad at making decisions as someone else, if that makes sense. My brain defaults to what I want to do, or what I would do, and I forget that it doesn't have to be my brain. But how do I even turn that off and get out of my brain?? I think the short answer here is: I'm not a writer, and roleplaying makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and self-conscious.

This is already getting too long, and I hate how negative it all sounds, because that's not my intended tone at all! (><; ) It's more curiosity than anything, like, why am I like this and is it really so unusual to be so? And basically, I'm so afraid people won't like me because I'm weird about some stuff. I'll probably talk more about this later. I just have some downtime at work, so I'm babbling and not very focused. ε-(´・｀)

Blog journal thing! It's here. I did it. Credit for the theme goes to repth on Neocities, I really love their themes.

It's probably self-explanitory, but this section of the site will be more about personal updates than site updates. Random stuff I've been thinking about, which is a lot of stuff all the time, and just stuff going on. Typical diary type stuff. Why am I explaining this.

I know I could just use Tumblr or even Pillowfort for blogging, but I can't just keep things simple I guess. I'm not gonna get into my whole issue with Tumblr, but a big part of it is just that I'm kinda tired of being in a massive sea of posts on a website filled with doom and cynicism - understandably so, but it's tiring for my dumb little heart. And in the case of PillowFort, it's not that I have a problem with it, it's just that it's more like a community than a place to blog or write for me. If that makes any sense. Like, these are places where you make posts, and everyone is there. I think I just really wanted a place that was mine, made for me by me, and maybe to be read by people who will feel resonance with it, not reblogged, commented on, or whatever. No, I just wanna ramble. I'm taking my own words back for myself and the big sites can't have them anymore. >:C And idk, I personally really like to hear people talk, and to hear their stories. I have nothing profound to say about it, it's just...really cool. It's information and lessons for me to take home, turn over in my head and just think about and use for introspection. So, maybe I can do that for others! It's always been one of my hopes for my art, so I dunno. Words. I'm writing this at work so I'm a bit unfocused. (-__-;)

I'm also not against doing multiple entries a day, because I have a lot to say always. Not even necessarily well-formed opinions or anything particularly useful, just a lot of thoughts that I need to put somewhere. And it's a work in progress - I want to do pagination and stuff, and I have no idea how to right now. But right now, I like this. I definitely prefer it to just hopping onto Twitter or Tumblr and screaming into the empty void. That, and their text limits CANNOT CONTAIN ME...!